Marriage advice we have learned from 6 months of experience

Alex’s younger brother Arnold just got engaged last week.  (Congrats!)  Also Alex and Arthur are celebrating 6 months of marriage this upcoming week.  We were talking about our marriage and thinking about what might be helpful for this young couple to know before they tie the knot as we were writing this post.  So here’s what we have learned in 6 months of marital bliss.

1. Say yes.  This is something we read in a marriage book that we borrowed from Alex’s older brother and wife.  The idea is that if one spouse asks something do what you can to make the answer yes.  The more often you say yes to one another the better since it creates a positive cycle of taking care of each other’s needs.  “Arthur, could you make the bed—Sure.”  “Alex, could you pick up some tooth paste at the store—You bet.”

2. Let grace be your default reaction.  This is Arthur’s go-to relationship advice.  When situations or conflicts come up you make a choice about how you will respond—anger, silence, a snarky remark, etc.  We have tried to give the other person the benefit of the doubt before getting upset.  After all, we are called to become more like Christ and Christ’s default response towards each of us is grace, thank goodness.

3. Spend time with God together every day. We have shared before about our devotional time in the mornings in a past post.   A good marriage is more than just two people, but a husband, a wife, and the Lord, so spend time with God.  We have really been blessed by reading a devotional each morning and singing hymns together.

4. Use the local library to save money for good dates.  A lot of marriage advice says to keep dating.  We agree.  Using the library makes this pretty easy.  DVDs for movie night, audiobooks for car trips together, books to discuss with one another, occasionally events, presentations, lectures, etc.  Also comfy couches to spend some time reading if you need to get out of the house.

5.  Say hello and good bye with a kiss.  Before we each head out the door for the day we kiss and we kiss again when we get home for the evening.  Additionally, whenever Alex gives Arthurs suggestions about how to do something in the kitchen, the suggestion is better received if accompanied with a kiss.

6. Be okay with not doing things your way.  This is called compromise.  There are a lot of things that really aren’t a big deal.  For whatever reason, sometimes it is really easy to let them become a big deal.  Ask yourself if this is something you would do for a good friend visiting for a few days.  Your spouse is a closer friend than anyone who would be a guest in your home, so you should try to accommodate them more.  Translation: Arnold, you will probably have more throw pillows than is logical or necessary.

7.  Whoever doesn’t cook gets to do the dishes.  Alex has probably only washed dishes a handful of times in the past few months.  Arthur does a great job and we really enjoy cleaning up the kitchen together, Arthur at the sink and Alex packing lunches or putting things away.

8. Get a couch.  The first few weeks of our marriage we had two recliners in our living room.  We then were given a couch and the recliners were moved downstairs.  That couch has been the hub of activity in our living room for sitting and reading, watching Netflix, and it is also easier to snuggle up together.

9. Understand that men can only focus on one thing at once.  Don’t try to make them multitask.  He still loves you even when it seems like he isn’t paying attention, but he just has less connections between the two hemispheres of his brain.  (If you need a man’s full attention, weekends during sporting events is not the time to discuss important matters of state.)

10. Continue to cultivate an appreciation for beauty outside of your marriage.  Remember that marriage cannot make you happy nor can it make you miserable.  Your ability to appreciate marriage stems from your own personal character.  Continuing to learn to appreciate and give thanks for the things around you will add to a happy marriage because it adds to a happy and joyful life.

11. Talk to someone with more than 6 months of experience because we frankly have no idea what we are doing but trying to learn more each day